"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."
Psalm 139:13-14
Psalm 139:13-14
When Elizabeth was four days old, my midwife came to our home to see how we were doing and to conduct her newborn hearing screening. Newborn ears are so tiny and the probes Heather was inserting in Elizabeth's ears did not fit very well. She did not pass that initial screening, but we weren't worried because none of our children have had hearing problems, there is no history of hearing loss in our families, the equipment didn't seem to fit her ears well, and oftentimes newborns have fluid in their ears that can interfere with the test. We decided to have her tested again at her two week check-up.
Her two week check-up was at Heather's clinic, Birthwise Midwifery Care. We thoroughly checked her over and everything looked great. She weighed 7 lbs. 13 oz. (8 more ounces than her birth weight), her color was perfect, and all of her reflexes were working just as they should be. We retested her ears. Again, she failed. I still wasn't too worried because she cried a lot while we were trying to test (she did not like having the probe in her ear) and the probe kept falling out of her ear. I decided to take her to an audiologist to have further testing done with equipment that might fit her ears a little better.
At three and a half weeks, we went to Ogden Audiology Service. The first screen was an Evoked Otoacoustic Emissions (EOAE) screen. She didn't pass, so we did an Auditory Brainstem Response (ABR) screen. I remember watching the lines on the computer. They didn't look like they were doing much, so I asked the tech if she was getting any response. She told me the lines should be jumping way up into the green area that was on the graph but Elizabeth's lines weren't going near the green. Neither ear passed the ABR screen. That was the first time that I actually started to think that she really did have a hearing problem. I was kind of shocked. My heart was heavy. I couldn't stop thinking about her feelings. How scary life must be for her! Gigantic people (gigantic to her) come up to hold her or touch her and she doesn't even know they are coming. She can't hear me sing to her. She's already three weeks old and so much bonding has occurred but she hasn't been able to hear the soothing sounds of my voice or the beat of my heart. When she cries in her car seat, she doesn't hear the reassuring sounds of our voices. My heart was hurting for my sweet baby.
Even though she had failed these four screenings, we still didn't know if she definitely had hearing loss because some newborns will fail their screenings and then pass when they have more intensive testing done. Also, some newborns have fluid in their ears that can take weeks to months to completely drain out. The technician who performed the screenings recommended a follow-up appointment with an audiologist who would perform a more intensive ABR to determine if there was hearing loss. Although the tech recommended that I wait a few weeks before seeing the audiologist, I made the soonest possible appointment because I wanted to know what was going on with my precious baby's ears. If she does have a hearing loss, then I want to do whatever I can to help her as soon as possible. Plus, we were leaving for Houston in eleven days for two and a half weeks and I didn't want to be left wondering until we got back.
Her appointment with the audiologist was last Friday. I took Elizabeth for her testing while Jason cared for Jackson and Allison. Ideally, babies need to sleep during the test. She woke from her nap as soon as we got there. I tried to get her back to sleep, but I couldn't, so we went ahead and prepared for the testing. When the audiologist cleaned her forehead and behind her ears where the electrodes were going to be placed, she got really upset. She cried and cried and cried. It didn't hurt. He just wiped her with little alcohol pads, but my girl does not like being messed with. It took me a long time of nursing and dancing with her to get her to calm down. Finally, she fell asleep in my arms - the perfect scenario for testing her ears. The audiologist attached the electrodes and put the probe in her ear. He put the equipment around my neck and attached it to my shirt so that I could continue to hold her while we tested. When the test started to run, I was watching his computer. It didn't look good to me. I wasn't seeing a response from the sound. The audiologist kept bumping up the volume on the sounds he was putting in her ear. Nothing. It wasn't until he reached 85 dB in her left ear and 90 dB in her right ear that he got a response. That's a significant or profound hearing loss. I was shocked. We've been doing a Thankful Tree at our house and I really thought that my leaf for that day was going to say, "I'm thankful that Elizabeth can hear."
A mix of feelings and emotions went racing through me. I know that she is fearfully and wonderfully created by God and that He has a perfect plan and purpose for her life. I know that she belongs to Him and He can do whatever He chooses with her life so that He will be glorified. I felt determined to do whatever I need to do to help her develop to her fullest potential. I also started fast forwarding thinking about the future - learning sign language (learning it so well that I'm bilingual), joining parent support groups, finding other children for her to interact with who also have hearing loss, figuring out the best way to teach her, etc. At the same time, I was also sad. Not sad for me, but sad for her. Sad because I realized that she has never heard my voice, her daddy's voice, her brother's voice or her sister's voice. I didn't know how bad her hearing loss was. I didn't know what caused it. I didn't know the specific things we'd do to be able to help her.
The audiologist was so kind. I could tell that he was trying to carefully tell me that she couldn't hear, but I didn't need or want him to cushion the blow. I wanted the truth because I was ready to jump on the path God was placing before me and to start running. I assured him that I was totally fine and ready to do whatever it took to help her. I told him that I believed God knit her together just as He wanted. Then, I got choked up when I expressed that my sadness was only for her. I just couldn't believe that after four weeks of life, she had never heard my voice. She had never been soothed or reassured by sound.
The audiologist told me that we'd recheck her in a month once she'd had more time to grow. I didn't know any better, but I was surprised that we were waiting that long. If she can't hear, then shouldn't we get her hearing as soon as possible? Also, I wanted to know what was causing her hearing loss and what we could do to help her. I scheduled her next appointment in four weeks and then went out to my car. As soon as I sat in the driver's seat, my face fell into my hands and I sobbed. I cried out to the Lord. I think I was just overwhelmed with emotion and in a bit of shock. I needed to cry and be real, but at the same time, I felt guilty for being sad. After all, God knows what He is doing and He NEVER makes a mistake. I called Jason and told him what was going on. I think he was just as shocked as I was, and he had so many questions that I couldn't answer. I can't express how much I had wished we were together. Our family always does everything together, but since the environment has to be quiet when they perform the testing, we didn't think it would be wise to bring Jackson or Allison. When I called Jason, the three of them were on their way to a movie. If I didn't think the kids would be heartbroken to cancel this fun event they were looking forward to doing with their daddy, I would have asked Jason to turn around and meet me. I had a lot of errands to do in preparation for leaving town, so Elizabeth and I began tackling the list of to-do's. It was a long day. I called every person in our family and told them what was going on. We are so blessed to have such a supportive family...and a family that knows Who is in charge.
It's amazing how God works things together so perfectly. He knows our needs and He is so loving to meet them. The night before the test, I was up for a feeding with Elizabeth and I read a blog post from an old friend. She wrote a quote from George Mueller, "Remember, the very time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater the difficulties, the easier it is for faith to work, for as long as we can see certain natural solutions to our problems, we will not have faith. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospects fail." Boy, did that minister to my heart...and that was the night before I found out Lizzie couldn't hear! Now, it was speaking to me even more so.
My little Allison lives life in song. She constantly sings and one of the songs she sings says, "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty. There's nothing my God cannot do." I could not get that song out of my head. My God is so big and there is nothing He cannot do. He could choose to heal our Elizabeth Mae or He could choose to keep her ears exactly as they are and use her hearing loss as an instrument for His glory.
I'm so thankful that my husband loves and trusts the Lord and that we can walk this road together with Him. Even though her hearing loss was a shock, even though it was and is a bit sad for us, and even though every parent hopes their child is born without {what the world sees as} an imperfection, we felt so much peace knowing that our Lizzie Mae is perfect. She was created by the God of the universe in exactly the fashion that He wanted her to be. Who are we to question His plan for her life? And why should we be sad? He chose this for her because He knows what is best for her. He chose this for our family and we are going to embrace it and walk this road together.
When we lived in Oklahoma, Jason worked for an amazing man whose wife is an audiologist. They became our dear friends, so I called her when all of this started happening. I called her on Saturday to tell her about Elizabeth's test results. As we talked, I realized that the audiologist did not do a thorough test and that he neglected to test for things that he should have. I also discovered that my suspicions about not waiting to have her retested were accurate. She could have hearing aids right now...at only a day away from being five weeks old! My heart sank. I was leaving the next day for Houston. I wouldn't be back for two and half weeks. I didn't want to wait that long. I wanted her to start hearing now. Sandy said that she wished she could test her. I did too. And then I thought, "Well, why can't she? I'm going to Houston. I'll be so close to Oklahoma City. I'll just go there and have her tested." I also thought about taking her to someone in Houston because I know there are excellent doctors there, but I wasn't sure how long it would take to find a doctor or to get an appointment. Sandy was willing to bend over backwards to see Elizabeth as soon as possible...even if that meant after hours or on the weekend.
Jason and I talked and we decided that I should fly to Oklahoma to have Sandy test her ears. To make this long story a little shorter, the Lord coordinated everything for me. Sandy got Elizabeth an appointment for this Thursday. She also got her a same day appointment with an ENT, which is required before fitting her with hearing aides. My mother-in-law is able to take off from work to care for Jackson and Allison while I'm gone. I found a decent, last minute price on an airline ticket from Houston to OKC and back on the same day. My dear, dear friend Laura Babb is going to pick me up from the airport and go to all of Lizzie's appointments with me. She canceled and rearranged three other appointments she had that day to do this for me. What a blessing! Also, her cousin just happens to be the co-inventor of cochlear implants. Isn't it amazing how the Lord has used our time living in Oklahoma City to bless us then and now?!
A lot of people have asked me if I can tell that she can't hear. I really can't. Sometimes, I think she can hear, but other times, I think she can't. There are times when she seems to calm to my voice, but there are many times when she doesn't. We thought the noisiness of her older siblings was waking her up at times, but now we aren't sure if it was just coincidence. I remember when she was born that she didn't open her eyes for a long time. I thought that was odd. Almost two hours passed before she really opened them, but perhaps it was because she wasn't hearing anything to stimulate her to open them. We don't know. It's too hard to tell.
So my precious Elizabeth and I are headed to Oklahoma City on Thursday. And unless a miracle occurs (or the test in Utah was terribly wrong), we'll fly back next Tuesday to get her hearing aids. She'll be hearing before Thanksgiving! What a thing to be thankful for. I can't wait for the moment she hears my voice for the first time. It almost feels like we'll experience those precious minutes right after birth all over again!
"Lizzie's Song" to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star (just like Jackson and Allison)
Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth Mae
God's gift to us we love in every way
A dainty little face, a cute button nose
A sweet tender heart, our love will only grow
Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth Mae
God's gift to us we love our Lizzie Mae
Our amazing birth photographer (her birth story is almost done!) took these photos for us when Elizabeth was 12 days old. Kirstin, thank you so much!
We LOVE our Lizzie Mae!
