Tiny on the Outside; Tall on the Inside

You've heard it said before that some children will be sitting down on the outside but standing up on the inside. So far, neither of my children fit this profile. They both stand up on the outside and on the inside! I prefer it this way because I know what they are thinking. They are honest about their feelings. Even though it drives me crazy at times and tempts me to give way to my flesh; at least I know what kind of truth they need to be confronted with.

My tiny Allison may not be growing rapidly on the outside, but she is growing fast on the inside. Three times yesterday, I caught her climbing on top of the table, getting into my purse or the diaper bag, finding the gum, opening every possible piece that she found and putting them in her mouth. When I caught her, she didn't drop the gum. She just started screaming, "No!!" stomping her feet and shoving the gum in her mouth. When I caught her doing it again this morning, I quickly grabbed her, pulled the gum out of her mouth, and told her that she knows she is not supposed to be on the table. She said, "No!" I held both of her hands, made her look me in the eye, and told her, "You do not tell Mommy, 'No!' Yes Ma'am?" Her reply? "No!!"

I continued to hold both of her hands and told her that she had to say "Yes Ma'am." She was not having it. I told her that I would not let her go until she said "Yes Ma'am." She was emphatic, "No! Noooooo!" She kicked her feet. She tried to throw herself on the floor (I was holding her hands). She cried and cried. She was mad. I thought many times about spanking her. I wasn't sure what to do. I wasn't sure which would be more effective. (I'm a TOTAL novice...and keep that in mind as you read this post. It reeks of inexperience!)

After about 15-20 minutes into this, I began to question myself. Does she understand? She can't even say "Yes." She only says, "Uh-huh." Maybe she's confused. At this point, she was crying tears with only an occasional "No!" To be honest, my back was tiring of bending over. I wanted to sit on the floor, but then I thought she would try to crawl in my lap and I wanted her to submit. At some point, she tried to throw herself back on the floor. I gently let her head touch the floor and then I let go of her hands. Jackson had been trying to ask me something the entire time and I kept him waiting. He was so ready for her to give up. He came over to us and she started yelling at him, "No! Noooo! No!" She was so mad that she flipped herself over and furiously crawled around the corner to flee from his presence. I wasn't giving up, but I wanted to answer Jackson. When she peered around the corner standing up and flashing a little grin, I knew that she fully understood. She thought she'd won! I knew I couldn't give up because next time would only be worse and I wanted her to understand the importance of submitting to my authority.

I brought her back over to where I was sitting and held both of her hands. I gently explained that I would let her go when she said, "Yes Ma'am/Momma" or "I'm sorry." (I resorted to "I'm sorry" when I was concerned that perhaps she was frustrated by not being able to pronounce "Yes Ma'am.") She went back to her foolish ways and said, "No!" I persisted for a while and then I thought that I should try a spanking. It didn't work. I tried again. I still didn't work. If it meant that I had to sit there all day, then I was prepared to do it.

I was feeling a little early pregnancy nausea and knew I needed a snack. I didn't know how much longer this was going to take, so I decided to put her in her highchair. At first, she thought I was going to feed her, but I quickly explained that she could not have food and she could not get out until she said "Yes Ma'am" or "I'm sorry." She screamed at me. I reassured her that I loved her and then I walked away. I went back to talk to her a minute or two later but she still wasn't ready, so I tended to Jackson. Finally, after 45 minutes (total...not in her high chair), she gave up and said, "I'm sorry." (In Allison language, it sounds like 'me, me' which comes from 'excuse me' and means the same thing - one word; two meanings.)

We cheered. We hugged. We kissed. She smiled. It was finally over! I made it! And only by the grace of God did I not lose my patience. I remained completely calm and completely tender. Jackson has given me plenty of practice! I am sure that there were other things I could have done, but this is uncharted territory for me. We try to do the best with our children and we don't know everything. They are all so different. Mine happen to be extremely stubborn. Jason's mom says that stubbornness is an Exum trait. So I am finding! From what my parents tell me, I contributed my fair share of stubbornness to our children too. My dad had a similar situation with me when I was 2. I refused to say, "Yes Ma'am" to my mother. I would only say, "Yes." I remember it. I even have mental images of it happening.

Raising children brings me to my knees! I never dreamed it would be so hard. I constantly question myself, "Am I doing the right thing? How will my actions today effect their future? Am I being Christlike? Am I a good representation of the Father? Are we handling this appropriately? What is the best course of action for this offense? etc." I am so afraid of messing them up, but I know that is putting too much credit in my lap and not putting credit where credit belongs - with the Lord. But I think about the responsibility and the commands that the Lord gives to parents and I wonder where my role makes a real difference. I want to do it right!

In BSF, we talked about King Hezekiah. The Lord really opened my eyes as we learned about Hezekiah, his father and his son. Ahaz was Hezekiah's father and he was terrible! But out of that terrible father came a God-honoring son. Then Manasseh came from Hezekiah and Manasseh was terrible. From a wonderful father came a terrible son (who, I think, did make wise choices late in life??). I guess I saw that God can bring about an amazing child from the worst of parents, and that great parents don't always produce great children. God is in the driver's seat of the heart. I just need to remember that and do my best to walk with Him daily.

One thing I have learned on this journey: criticism without encouragement is heartbreaking. My prayer is that I will always encourage other parents because I know how hard it is. Please extend that same grace if you read this post. I'm trying my best to honor the Lord. I gratefully accept ideas or advice, but judgmental criticism is crippling.



P.S. Jackson was awesome today! When I asked him to do something, he did it right away without complaining, arguing or trying to negotiate. Way to go, buddy!!